【托福作文批改】20分：词汇和句式单一，须多积累(3)

主体段一定在每段开头都表明自己的分论点，上面这一段就没有说论点，只是在开头解释了经常犯错误对于人的影响。例子还是很充分论证了观点。咱们可以在段落开头写分论点，比如：Above most things，working at a high speed with greater risks of   making mistakespossiblybring about more damage to the related peoplethandoing things at a slow pace. [好文分享：www.11jj.com]

Furthermore, the people who   works[A6]  carefully are more likely to have/acquire/obtain/attain   the recognition from the company executive  and be promotedwith desirable salary. People tends[A7]  to trust the one who is reliable, and thus the people   who eliminate any mistakes will have more opportunities to get   promotionbe promoted. If I am in charge of a   company, the one who is careful/cautious/meticulous   with his own work willbe win my favor despiteof   his relativelylow speed.Compared with other careless subordinates, he willenjoy more possibility of a higher position and decent salary.

[本文来自：www.11jj.com]

注意despite介词的搭配，不需要用of；第三段有论点，有解释，有例证，但是还缺乏一个小结论。

Actually, in most   situations, working quickly but leaving a lot of mistakes will cost more time   instead of saving any,. [A8] Ssince   the mistakes can not be disappeared unless someone comes to revise it. It is   much more difficult/complex/complicated to find the   mistakes after the whole project is finished/complete/accomplished   since/due to that there will be more   disturbances. With the extra time spent on revising the mistakes, doing work   quickly is not as efficient as it was considered to be. So, working slowly   but leaving no mistakes is the quickest way to finish the jobaccurately/with highaccuracy.

第四段，论点解释论证和结论都有，但是例子不够吸引人，比如我们可以举例：制造汽车，在完工后，发现汽车没法正常行使，可能就涉及到刹车brake，引擎engine，方向盘steering wheel，就需要检验故障所在，检查每个零部件，比当初检查零件更费事。在举例的时候，可以稍微结合自己的专业，结合学科类的问题进行论证，这样会更充实和高大上。

 

In conclusion, I believe   that to work slowly and make sure that everything is   correct[A9] /without errors   is the best way to save time and to get recognition and promotion.结尾一句话太少，至少2到3句，而且既然想包含主体段的三个观点，那就3个观点都写上，而不是写2个。

   

In conclusion，although the general tendency of the world is topursue speedand ignore mistakes, my point of view isalways that working slowly and ensuring the tasks without errors is the best approach to avoid damage to thereleated field of work,obtain promotion and betime-efficient.  

[A1]contend主张  属于用词不准确。  Convince及物动词，表示 使某人信服